To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
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Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
What number SPF blocks people?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.