[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
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You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth