I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
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*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Feel. He’s so soft.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
This is Sparta
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”