“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.