Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.