DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
You Might Also Like
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
okay run it by me one more time
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.