5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
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Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.