what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
You Might Also Like
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.