i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
You Might Also Like
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
*jazz hands*
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills