Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine