Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
You Might Also Like
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
hmmm
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.