PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
You Might Also Like
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Worth remembering.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.