Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Doggies just call it style.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected