To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
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Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.