Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
You Might Also Like
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!