Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.