I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
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I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.