Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ