Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
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who wore it better?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.