A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
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10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
*jingles half the way*
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Message from the dog groomers
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?