People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
just having fun
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.