How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
nyc:
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!