[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
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just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Comparing yourself to others
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent