Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
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[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
at ease…shoulder.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”