I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
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I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.