Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
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2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The glory of fall.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁