“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
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Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad