[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig