I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
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10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta