God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
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In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call