Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
You Might Also Like
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I’m literally crying
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
my dog when i have a friend over
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
pep talk
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season