A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Watermelon Boss!
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.