every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
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legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
This anagram machine is out of order.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”