[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left