They’re stuck in your pants?
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?