[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.