If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*