Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
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Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
HR said no more nunchucks.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]