People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
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PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Great game to play with friends
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*