I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
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If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”