When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
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I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
#MeanwhileinCanada
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?