I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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Can’t. Being lazy.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.