Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
choose your gary
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on