My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
You Might Also Like
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
🤣🤣
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.