Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
You Might Also Like
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I bet
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.