Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
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“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on