The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
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“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.