Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
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this is the most humiliating day of my life
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did