my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
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on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.