I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
#TopTip
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
“i miss shittin on people”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?